F9: The Fast Saga - Even the Title Just Gave Up

F9: The Fast Saga (2021)

F9: The Fast Saga is one of the most inane but insane movies that have come out in recent memory. The purpose of this movie is to entertain and nothing else. It does not have a message. It does not have a moral. It barely even has a plot. It is a hodgepodge of action set-pieces, call-backs and cameos, and poorly written dialogue designed to string together a dozen or so scenes that belong in better movies.

The progression of the self-proclaimed “Fast Saga” is as idiotic as this movie. From stealing and fencing DVD players to stopping a technopocalypse by launching a rocket powered Ford Fiero into space, this series jumped the shark when they dragged a safe down a highway 4 movies ago. But the plot isn’t why people keep coming back. If it wasn’t exactly what I expected, I would be insulted. At this point, I don’t even know if they hire writers, but if they do, here is what must happen in the writers’ room:

Writer 1: Hold on. Is this too stupid?

Writer 2: Yes.

Writer 1: Perfect!

So little of this movie makes sense that it is hard to pin down the exact moments that form a traditional story. There is no real beginning, but there are also 5 or 6 beginnings. The climax is literally every scene with a gun or a car in it and the end is the same ending as half of the others in the series, sitting behind a house for a cookout, drinking Corona Lights, and saying grace with the “family” (to be read in Vin Diesel’s voice).

With the story being so daft, one would hope that the acting would help the movie, but at this point in the saga, that is a lost cause. Diesel still delivers every line with the gravitas of a stone wall as every other actor cranks it up to 11, because being louder about your one character trait is as close to character depth as you can hope in these movies. Tyrese and Ludacris’ characters have not grown or changed at all since their reintroduction in Fast Five, where they went from being criminals who specialize in after-market car parts in 2 Fast 2 Furious to a Chris Tucker from Rush Hour wannabe and a secret tech genius. I can’t comment on Michelle Rodriguez fairly because I still largely blame her for getting Libby killed on Lost, which absolutely broke my heart in 2006, and any criticism will be very biased. There were however two decent acting performances. The first was Helen Mirren, clearly phoning it in, but still delivering. The second was a true surprise in John Cena. He wasn’t great and I’ve seen him give better performances in his rivalries with The Rock and CM Punk, but he shined like a star amongst the mediocrity.

But despite all of this terribleness, I had a blast watching this movie. When the movie had action, it was physics-defying and stupid, but most importantly, it was gorgeous and fun. When nothing was really happening, everything was the perfect level of camp to still be entertaining. It walked the fine line between art and garbage without ever being either. It was truly the perfect movie to kick off the first summer since Covid; the ultimate palette cleanser. Since it wasn’t good, but it was still very entertaining, I give F9: The Fast Saga 3 out of the 5th grade reading level of the screen-writers.