Cats is a Meowsterpiece

Cats (2019)

At its core, Cats is a movie about self-discovery, redemption, and finding a place to belong. Just kidding. It is a disaster of a movie with little to no plot and absolutely no point. Cats on stage is a series of loosely connected songs about different cats on the night of a ritualistic sacrifice, that apparently goes to the cat with the best song, who is then sent off to die in the north end of London. That loose premise was brought to life on screen by an all star cast and a writers room that was filled with what I am assuming were actual cats, or at least some other type of animal without opposable thumbs. I am amazed by the level of talent in this movie. Fantastic singers like Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift, and Jennifer Hudson are each given signature songs and are instructed to ruin them by director Tom Hooper. Derulo’s song is actually quite terrible when performed normally, but with his awfully rendered CGI dancing, it was captivatingly unwatchable. During his song, the dancers’ feet seemed to hover above the ground and when they walked on water, there were no splashes or ripples. It is lazy production like that that was constantly in the foreground. Cats has some of the worst CGI I have ever seen. Rebel Wilson’s musical number was the worst offender, with scores of dancing CGI cockroaches with super-imposed faces dancing around mechanically and getting eaten. In fact, all of the faces were horrifically placed, making each character neither human nor feline, only monstrous. It was as if the staff never previewed the film, because it was rushed to compete with Star Wars on its opening night. Actually, that is exactly what happened. I got to see the unfinished cut, with the human hands and feet that were supposed to be cleaned up in post-production and was sent to many larger theater chains, but apparently not Cinemaworld. I do not think that the clean version can be much better, because Cats needs months of care to become a legitimate contender in any visual arts category. Not only did it have no story and look terrible, it was an embarrassment for the cast. I understand that Rebel Wilson and James Corden are always jokes, but Judi Dench, Jennifer Hudson, and Ian McKellen are talented actors and performers. Dench is fine, but being in a fur coat and twitching like a cat is beneath her. McKellen at several points just meows. No like a cat meows, but like a cat owner meowing at their cat. He is Gandalf and Magneto, but all of that is ruined because he is also Gus, the theater cat. Hudson is an amazing singer and is given the best song in the show, Memory, but director Tom Hooper has her ugly cry through the entire song. If Hudson was given the chance to really sing it, the entire audience would have chills, but she was forced into an over-the-top rendition that felt disingenuous. But as bad as they seemed, Idris Elba has done irreparable damage to his career. He played the villain, Macavity, who is a magical cat that can make people disappear with a flick of his paw, but only if he says his name in a ridiculous manner. He starts the movie as an ominous figure peering out of the shadows, sending other cats scampering for cover, and slowly morphs into a hilarious caricature of a naked furry many dancing with Taylor Swift. His reveal without his trench coat is laugh-out-loud funny and immediately disqualified him from being a serious contender for the role of James Bond. The lone bright spot in the movie was Francesca Hayward, who played the lead. While other cats appeared to have their dances supported heavily with CGI, hers was more fluid and cleanly rendered. She even had an original song, which was one of the better songs and had rhyming lyrics. Her character was a cat that was just thrown out, trying to navigate life on the streets while meeting a litter of other cats. She had a curious nature and very little dialogue, using her mannerisms and facial expressions to convey her feeling, which is a challenging task, but Hayward nailed it. Unfortunately, nobody else did. Overall, Cats was a train wreck of epic proportions. It was almost so bad that it was good, but was not good. I give Cats 1 out of 9 lives.