Read 'Em and Weep, Oscars

With the Oscars announcing their garbage nominations, I want to give out my own awards, which have far more value than the Academy Awards. I don’t have a clever name for them, but if you read this and think of one, please let me know. This award list will also be much shorter than the Oscars.

To get things started, we will give the Best Performance in a Supporting Role.

The nominees are:

Jeff Bridges and Chris Hemsworth in Bad Times at the El Royale. Bridges was excellent at carrying the most of Bad Times at the El Royale from the side, seeming to be the villain until Hemsworth arrived and stole the show while only being on screen for about 20 minutes.

Michael B. Jordan in Black Panther. Jordan was the second-best villain in any movie this year. His portrayal of Killmonger was deep and visceral and is only second to Thanos in the MCU.

Tessa Thompson in everything (specifically Sorry to Bother You, Annihilation, and Creed II). Thompson was great in every movie, playing a scientist soldier, an activist artist, and a concerned girlfriend/wife.

Jesse Plemons in Game Night. Plemons was a delight as a creepy police officer in Game Night. His role made Game Night my favorite comedy of the year.

Tom Hardy as Venom in Venom. I’m kidding. Kind of.

The winner is…

Tessa Thompson! She stood out in everything even though she never got top billing. Congrats Tessa. You don’t get anything and you will probably never see this, but I am a big fan.

Lets follow up with the lead performers. The nominees for Best Performance in a Leading Role are:

Hailee Steinfeld in Bumblebee. Steinfeld was a relatable character that was easy to root for in Bumblebee.

Lakeith Stanfield/David Cross in Sorry to Bother You. Stanfield and Cross tag-teamed a deep role that dealt with the heavy topic of inequality in its many forms.

Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody. Malek transformed into Freddie Mercury.

Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga in A Star Is Born. Cooper and Gaga took audiences on an emotional roller coaster in A Star Is Born

Constance Wu in Crazy Rich Asians. Wu was the only accessible character for most viewers and she was able to carry the film.

Emily Blunt in A Quiet Place. Blunt encapsulated the terror of the situation perfectly. My heart was in my throat as she waded through the tension.

The winner is…

Lady Gaga! She was a delight, showing a full range of emotions and making me feel things that I don’t often feel at the movies. Great work.

I’m not going to do nominees for best song. It would just be a waste of time. It is clearly Shallow from A Star Is Born. It is an objectively good song that had the deepest connection to its movie. There is no debate so it isn’t even worth nominating others.

The same goes for Best Animated Feature. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse was perfect. The visuals were gorgeous and innovative. The cast was fun and diverse. The story was brilliantly layered to bring together wildly different and imaginative characters seamlessly. It is a fresh take on a story that has been told literally three times theatrically within the last two decades and it was glorious.

I only saw one documentary this year, so I am a little biased, but the award for Best Documentary goes to Won’t You Be My Neighbor. It is criminal that this wasn’t at least nominated by the Academy. This Mr. Rogers documentary had more heart than 98% of the movies I have seen in the last 5 years. It shied away from traditional documentary styling so it didn’t feel like watching a book report. If you ever need to have your faith in humanity restored, just watch Won’t You By My Neighbor.

Finally, it is time for the nominees for Best Picture. I you all to know that this award is more prestigious than the Oscar for Best Picture because there is a fundamental difference between me and the Oscar voters: I paid to see all of these. Nobody sent me free copies of these movies with gourmet snacks to try and sway my vote. These are just the movies that I thought were the best. They are not my favorite movies of the year, but I think they are the best of each genre of movie. Here are the nominees.

The best animated movie was Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.

The best comic book movie was Avengers: Infinity War

The best action movie was Mission: Impossible – Fallout

The best comedy movie was Game Night

The best drama was A Star is Born

The best thriller was A Quiet Place

The best romance movie was Crazy Rich Asians

The best documentary was Won't You Be My Neighbor

The best surprise was Uncle Drew

The winner for Best Picture is…

Mission: Impossible – Fallout! Tom Cruise still has it. Mission: Impossible – Fallout was an explosive thrill ride that had no flaws. It is a master class in its genre and did everything it was supposed to do. It is re-watchable, unlike most Oscar winners, and it just plain old fun.

I hope you enjoyed my awards. If you are one of the winners, congratulations. There is no actual prize, but if you want to fly out to meet me, I will gladly give you a firm handshake and print out a certificate. Thanks for reading, and I hope you continue following my blog in 2019.